I’ve been fretting about what to do with my life lately.  I feel like most things I try turn into chores and I lose whatever passion I may have had that led me to them in the first place.  This has actually happened my whole life and so now, I feel “behind” in the career department.  They say that it’s much easier to turn a moving car than a parked one, but all that’s happened to me is that I’ve run out of fuel trying to figure out what my purpose (more than just my passion since I’ve got difficulties with the idea of following one’s passion) is here in life.  I finally decided that this was not something to be done out of my own strength and started asking God to help me.  “God, use me,” would be my fervent (read: hand-wringing, anxious) prayer each morning.   (more…)

I sometimes catch myself saying this to myself to encourage myself to do something hard or unpleasant or that I fear I’ll fail at.   Submitting pieces of my writing to a prestigious publishing house, signing up for a class to learn a new skill, asking to hang out with a person who intimidates but intrigues me, even asking for time with a friend I know is busy…these are all things I have to psyche myself up for.  “It never hurts to try,” I say.  I’ll grow through this experience either way and learn from it for next time – how can that hurt?    I almost believe it.  I almost believe that it doesn’t hurt to try something new, ask someone to hang out, put pieces of your soul out there.  Except that it does hurt.  And it feels minimizing to pretend otherwise. (more…)

When I first started intentionally following Christ – or trying to, at least – one of the first things my best friend taught me about the Christian life was, “If it doesn’t bring freedom, it’s not from the Lord.”  This sounded too good to be true to me, who had grown up in a high-stacks, accomplishment-is-paramount culture where kids not only had to be involved in every possible extra-curricular activity, but they had to be the best at each, too, all while maintaining a perfect GPA.  This set peers up to be competitors rather than cooperators and scares kids into believing that if they don’t start achieving now, they’ll never amount to anything in life.  Matt Stone, co-creator of South Park, which is named after a neighborhood next to the one I grew up in, sums it up – albeit with some strong language – nicely in his interview with Michael Moore in Bowling for Columbine.  Whatever you think about the movie as a whole, Matt Stone’s explanation of Littleton is true to my experience of it.  And none of this helped my already debilitating social anxiety any.

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While they were eating, Jesus took some bread, and after a blessing, He broke it, gave it to his disciples and said, “Take, eat, this is My body” (Matthew 26:26).  This is My body.  Not being Catholic, I’m not one for transubstantiation, but this phrase, this is My body, still is heavy with significance.  Jesus is about to eat His last Passover meal (Matthew 26:17); Jesus is sharing a meal and fellowship with the 12 people closest to Him (Matthew 26:20); He is about to be betrayed by one of those people (Matthew 26:21).  It is interesting to note how the different translations describe Judas:  The NIV makes it seem like his act of betrayal is in the future (“one would who would betray Him”);  the NASB makes it sound like a current action (“Judas, who was betraying Him”);  the KJV makes it seem like a past action (“Judas, who betrayed Him.”)  The point is that Jesus offers His own body, His very self, to even a through-and-through betrayer.  This is My body…even for the sinner.
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A while ago, I wrote about my difficulty with the advice, “Let Go and Let God” and similar.  When the pendulum doesn’t swing towards abdicating responsibility for our own lives in the name of God, it can swing too far in the other direction: taking all the responsibility for our lives as if God doesn’t exist or isn’t involved in the creation God so lovingly crafted.  I have just as much trouble with this; it’s essentially functional atheism and it’s just under the surface of claims like “God helps those who help themselves,” though it may not seem like it.  After all, it can sound like good advice – it’s got “God” in it, anyway! – to those who are prone to shoulder more than their fair share of responsibility.  But it’s precisely the propensity towards legalism that I want to be wary of here (not to mention that the phrase isn’t found in Scripture – it has, however, been attributed to deist Ben Franklin). (more…)

9/11 was already 13 years ago; Columbine was 15, the SPU shooting, just a little over a month.  My grapplings with forgiving the perpetrators of these attacks have been delayed and are not nearly as in my face as they certainly are for the parents and families of those that were lost in those horrors; still, it has seemed impossible – an affront to my sense of justice, even – to “forgive” the murderers even as I grieve for all families who are now one member short.  Beyond this, the present day is seeing unprecedented destruction of the beautiful world God wrought from nothing and sustains and I think…how can I “forgive” those who willfully damage the trees and skies and seas?  On a much smaller scale, my friends and I inflict hurt on each other inadvertently but often. (more…)

There’s a story in the Gospel of Mark (9:14-29) that demonstrates that healing is not always easy or instant.  The “healing of the boy with a spirit” begins with arguing.  A crowd is gathered around a father who has brought his son for healing.  The spirit afflicting the boy disables him from speaking and causes him seizures, muscle rigidity and teeth grinding.  The disciples are unable to cast it out.  Jesus, exasperated at the lack of faith of “this generation,” explains that “anything can be done for the one who believes” (Mark 9:23) and then commands the Spirit to go.  After screeching and convulsing the boy one last time, the spirit departs, leaving the boy in the appearance of a corpse, which Jesus quickly dispels by helping him to his feet.  The disciples ask why they could not cast it out; Jesus replies, “This kind can only come out with prayer” (Mark 9:29). (more…)

I believe in healing, but I’ve really struggled with how quickly it seems to happen in Scripture.  Generally, though not always, all Jesus has to do is poke His finger in someone’s ear or make mud with His spit and rub it on someone’s eyes and what was “wrong” with them is made right.  I long to be a part of a world where physical healing is no longer needed; in the meantime, I want “instant healings” like the ones Jesus so easily gives to those who come to Him to be a bigger part of my life.  What, for instance, would it look like, if a loving touch was all it took to close a gash without stitches?  How beautiful would it be if a broken bone was bound back together by the gentle hands of a friend?   (more…)

All of the Ted Talks I watched incorporate helping others and all of the presenters’ passions involved service.  This is a good thing to see as one who is very wary of how things like “follow your passion” can really look like self-indulgence in actuality – like this “just-do-it” advice for those who want to see the world.  I myself am one of those “wanderlust-stricken” souls, but the Nike stance (“just do it!”) on expensive dreams like traipsing about the globe come from a perspective of privilege, not to mention that one reason I’ve been unable to give myself full permission to pine after such adventures is because of my equally strong hope to help and serve others, whether that other is in Africa or my next-door neighbor in America. (more…)

I spent about four hours a few weekends ago – instead of studying and writing a paper about that (in)famous verse in the letter of James, “faith without works is dead” – watching Ted talks about passion.  I have spent many years in an anguished search for mine because, after all, the most prevalent and oft-repeated refrain in the “career advice” department is “follow your passion.”  You know, like Steve Jobs at the 2005 Stanford Commencement address: “Don’t settle for anything less than work that you love” as but one example of such advice. (more…)