If there’s one (new) thing I’ve gathered from the roiling discussion of Robin Williams’ death the week after the news broke, it’s that we are either misunderstanding or misusing this idea of “making it big.”  In the first place, in the days following his death, the news “made it big.”  Then, as if it was just another event in the world, things quieted down just as quickly: Robin Williams’ suicide was no longer newsworthy (and the implication?  Neither is mental health.).  This is not okay, which is why I’m writing about it yet again.  One question that has come up far too many times is some version of, “What did Robin Williams have to be depressed about?  He had everything, he had made it so big!”  It’s not just celebrities who get this kind of questioning; it’s all too common for those with mental illness.  But, as one blogger so eloquently said, “If he had died of cancer, would you ask what he had had to be cancerous about?”  Mental illness and cancer are in the same meta-category: the “real diseases” one.  These kinds of diseases do not pick and choose their victims.  Steve Jobs died of cancer in 2011 at the age of 56; no one said, “But he was so [fill in the blank]!  He had so much going for him!  He really made it big.” (more…)

I’m probably not alone when I say that responsibility to and for others makes me squirm.  It may have something to do with growing up in an unapologetically individualistic society, where everyone is supposed to be able to do everything for and take care of only themselves, where our main connections to others are about competition rather than compassion and cooperation and where major accomplishments are generally attributed to one person without more than a mere mention of their “pit crew” or support system.  I suspect that it goes further back than American culture, too:  God asks Cain, the first murderer, where the one he killed is.  Cain retorts, basically, that he shouldn’t be responsible for his brother (Genesis 4:9).  Now, this is a bit outrageous, of course: in the first place, the Lord knows exactly what happened, as the Lord proceeds to inform Cain (“your brother’s blood cries out to be from the ground,” Genesis 4:10) but in the second place, Cain murdered his brother.  The Lord is putting the responsibility for his brother exactly where it needs to be: on Cain. (more…)

Just in case anyone’s wondering, I’m not going to be doing any personal exposes on my own experience with depression (beyond saying this article is so very yes in hopes of encouraging understanding) as it seems to be all the rage to do these days.  At least not just yet.  I have beloved friends posting stories on social media, blog sites uploading narratives and Youtube clips of people sharing their journeys through the dark.  I deeply respect my friends for being open – we can’t fight the stigma in the silence and stories can help remedy the secrecy, shame and fear associated with mental illness.  I have been comforted by the personal stories of people I don’t know as well who’ve made it through hell – multiple times, even – and now have a little light to share around as they build resources for others.  And, no, in my opinion, this is not treating Robin Williams or his death as a means to an end as some rightfully warn against doing.  Not that mental anguish is the only factor here, but if Mr. Williams really was the kind, caring, big-hearted man many are saying he was, wouldn’t it honor him that we are trying to come together and do something constructive with our shock and sadness in the wake of his loss? (more…)

We’ve all heard – and maybe even expressed – the sentiment that it’s the small things that count.  Sure, a romantic trip to Rome for an anniversary with surprise clues the weeks leading up to it really makes a woman feel loved (one of my friends actually did this for his wife in the recent past).  But it’s the “just because” small things, the roses by the stairs, if you will, that can be more effective at getting the message deep down that you love and care for someone.  So it makes sense that “start small” is perhaps the most common advice given to anyone who faces anything big.  If small things can sometimes matter more than big things precisely because they’re small, then “starting small” might be more effective at accomplishing big things than starting big. (more…)

When the positive thinking guild says, “If you don’t love yourself, no one else will,” I think they’re trying to motivate people to prioritize self care.  I think they’re trying to emphasize the importance of self esteem and self love.  It’s true that a lack of love for yourself will translate into a lack of love for others and you will eventually burn out no matter what you’re doing (as one who struggles deeply with self care, trust me on this).  But this, much like the idea that “the world doesn’t owe you, you owe the world,”contains a grain of truth while perpetuating a damaging lie.  “If you don’t love yourself, no one else will” twists the necessity of self love into a fear-based chore done to obtain something else, i.e., the love of others.  It makes it seem like loving our selves is so that we can be loved by others, which is a recipe for protracted anxiety and transactional relationships centered on proportionality: if I love myself this much, then that is how much I can expect to be loved by others. (more…)

This phrase has deeply irritated and offended me for a long time and, with the beloved Robin Williams’ apparent suicide yesterday, it’s unfortunately made an appearance in every comments’ section of every article I’ve read about him (yes, I know it’s a bad idea to read the comments sections unless you’re looking to lose your faith in humanity).  Apparently, he even said it while in character for the 2009 film World’s Best Dad.  This post isn’t exactly a tribute to so many people’s favorite actor (there are several good ones already out there and there and many more to come I’m sure).  It’s more that I’ve decided that I should actually say something about the destructive and hurtful though apparently all too common and easily recited idea that suicide is a “permanent solution to a temporary problem.”  Continuing to remain silent contributes to the stigma of suicide and mental illness.  After all, silence is not neutral; only speaking up for the least, the last and the lost is right and good.  And we as the people of God, who are supposed to have the very life of Love beating in our own hearts, are, quite frankly, failing to be so right and good.  The Church’s relationship to mental suffering is, as with everything else, varied; it’s not all horrible.  But just last week, I overheard a conversation in which a woman was telling her friend that she left the Church because – and I quote – “Christians are the least compassionate when it comes to suicide, mental illness and addiction.”  Sisters and brothers in Christ, we have some work to do. (more…)

The idea that the world doesn’t owe you anything, you owe the world something is insidious.  Not only is it everywhere, not only does it take on many forms, but it’s actually half true.  These are the most dangerous kinds of lies.  If I tell you that you have purple skin, you can easily refute that simply by looking at your hands or in a mirror.  But if I tell you something that you’re afraid might be true and there’s no easy way to verify, you can quickly get taken out.  “The world doesn’t owe you, you owe the world” is like that.  It may sound harsh but it’s true, technically, that the world doesn’t owe you anything.  It’s not that we don’t deserve love and nurture throughout our lives; it’s just that “the world” doesn’t “owe” it to us.  But, the opposite is also true: we don’t actually owe the world anything, either.  We didn’t ask to be here, for no one can will himself or herself into existence and we didn’t ask for this world that we have.  To say the world doesn’t owe you, you owe the world is akin to saying “service is the rent you pay your being on this planet:” it names the motivation for serving others and giving of yourself as fear and makes such service transactional. (more…)