Speaking of sin, a few nights ago I was kept up by a roiling case of jealousy the likes of which I had not seen since high school.  This is not to claim that I’m free from all jealousy – oh, no.  I quietly craft my low-grade, ever-present brand of envy while hoping that the shiny veneer of happiness, self-esteem and well-adjusted-ness I attempt to apply regularly is not easily punctured by that prettier girl’s smile, this friend’s promotion, that friend’s bouquet of roses from “the best boyfriend ever,” whathisnamefromhighschool’s award, this friend’s status update about their dogs playing in the sprinkler getting 15 comments and 20 “likes” while the ones you post about reconciliation, unity and justice go unliked and ignored while another’s deep thoughts on those very topics get reposted by a mutual friend…the list could go on.  And it does, thanks to social media. (more…)

The gospel reading for the first Sunday of Lent, which was last night, was the story of the three temptations of Christ in the desert (Matthew 4:1-10).  I’d heard comparisons between the person of Job and the person of Jesus in Scripture but last night, the similarities were stark to me.  Both stories involved God allowing innocent believers to be tested to the point of exhaustion by forces of darkness.  Both stories deal with questions of loyalty and reasons for worship.  Both end with a holy presence ministering to the blameless sufferer, though not providing the “answers” to suffering we seem to commonly want.  At no point in either story does the main character renounce his faith, though Job seems to come close in cursing the the day he was born.  There are obvious differences between these two stories, but the intertextual conversation here is compelling. (more…)

Not surprisingly, one of the first things I’ve learned in the two days since Lent began is that I fight myself really, really hard.  I have a very difficult time just being.  I have a litany of lists of rules I perform as liturgy.  I’m excellent at getting mired in shame and guilt when I break one of these self-inflicted rules, and even better at manufacturing ways I’ve failed.  This was actually one of the reasons I attempted to give up Facebook last year…only slightly less insecurity and social anxiety that addiction.  Touchingly, one of my profs expressed a strikingly similar experience with Facebook and crushing self hatred.  Even “grown ups” suffer from jealousy and fears of not measuring up or being good enough.

(more…)

It was raining all day and it’s been cold for the last few, so, as I’m extremely sensitive to cold (my whole body aches to the bone and it takes me hours to warm up again), I stayed in while my husband went to church last night.  I poked around in the archives of our church’s website and read the text of a homily preached at the beginning of last month, on the first section of the Sermon on the Mount after the Beatitudes: Matthew 5:13-20.  Coincidentally, I’d been thinking about what it means to be salt and light…or, rather, what salt and light actually are – lately. (more…)

Last night was our priest’s final liturgy as the rector of our parish .  (It feels weird saying”our” as we’ve only been going there since October and, honestly, I don’t quite feel like we fit [yet] but that’s partly me.  It takes me an inordinately long time to open up to people and by the time I do, I feel like people have forgotten about me.  But I digress.)  I was surprised by the emotion I felt, but not surprised by the emotion in the room.  The liturgy felt slower than usual, more drawn out, more deliberate.  It lingered, as if heavy, in nearly every way.  Perhaps this was deliberate…tonight’s take-away was “going deep.” (more…)

Reading the Bible as a citizen of a super power is a lot like reading the Bible as a man, especially a white one.  Or, at least a lot like experiencing the benefits of sexism in biblical interpretation and implementation in contemporary Church.  To be sure, I find Scripture, particularly the Old Testament, as having a ‘preferential option for the male;” as but one example, “the oldest law code of the Torah, the Book of the Covenant (Ex. 20:22-23:33)…differentiates sharply between men and women”[1] and the men always come out ahead.  I probably don’t need to list off all the passages in Scripture, Testaments Old and New, that can and have been used to suppress, silence and demean women and their God-given gifts.  Nor do I need to regale you with ecclesiology or Christian history, not that Christians have the corner on sexism or anything.  I may not even need to point out that the seeming trend in liberation of any kind seems to be that a member of the oppressed minority group is the main spokesperson while members of the majority group (be it whites, straight folk, men, etc.) remain silent even if they are not “actively” oppressing anyone. (more…)